The Filth

After 2 and a half month with benzo and prodin, to say that a lot of things have changed may or may not be an understatement. I understand the situation of dealing with GAD, dp, dr and everything in between for 5 years, but to express it in words is quite impossible. But I will make such an attempt. I've been working out, i have developed my own six pack abs. I've been playing basketball with the ATeneo varsity team for the last 5 days and played with them I did. It's almost as if all those energy, bottled up inside for 5 years, is coming out in frantic haste, in enormous bulks. I am rejuvinated. I feel like I'm 18 again! no kidding.

ALthough I could not understand, and I am confused most of the time, and I am thankful for this tremendous improvement.

I'd like to name it the Filth. When I am in the Filth before, I could not resist, i could not comprehend, I suffer without choice. When I am in the Filth now i could see things more clearly, or so I believe, but that's saying something. And while my beautiful doctor sits on her chair, staring at me, throwing questions which I totally have personal knowledge of their origins, I wonder how could such a four cornered clinic could become my sanctuary, like a church. "When was the last time you cried?" she asked 2 and a half months ago, "A very very long time ago doc." After a short opening up and psychiatrict discussion, "Well, you know what tim... you're not going crazy." And so I cried, and that's an understatement.

After 2 and a half months with benzo and prodin I could see clearer, I could feel more, I've thought about thinking of my thought much less, yet I am still in doubt of course. What do you expect? You've been in an intimate relationship for 5 years with something that follows you around like a shadow, even at night and in sleep, how could you get rid of that? It's like being married a million times, and being in love as you suffer with it a hundred million times. I surely am not well, but I could be better. I am getting better they say, but who are they to know? Who am I to know as well? Even the doctor says so, but I've read everything she had said and it doesn't make things any clearer, she acknowledges that as well. Although of course the thought of the presence of a doctor surely alliviated many of the worries, but GAD is still here and I doubt if I can let it go not without quitting on the meds. My GAD is the most powerful GAD i've known, all knowing, omnipresent unmerciful GAD.

I've had a couple of dates the last month, and I can feel the old "self" coming back, as crazy and as insane as before. Ironic,but true. But I've lost a lot as well, and gained a whole new perspective. I'm going nuts doing a lot of things these days, as if there is no tommorow. I've applied to at least 20 companies for a job. I've established new relationships quite effortlessly. That is new,or that is too old I've forgotten I could. At least for the last 5 years. I have changed, or better yet, I am back.

This is the best I can explain. I'll be reading this back after 3 more months and I have this feeling this blog will have a brand new name. Gutom na ko, kain na muna. :)