shock and awe

The first time you met her you heard her say hello and you said hi; both of you began to speak of things that really didn't quite matter to anyone; not even to you or to her; and she could have just been any other person you meet and talk to when the situation tells you that you should... But then you found out later, after a few minutes, that she could failry well pass as an exeption to all that and so you began to exert a bit more of effort to bring the supposed to be casual conversation between two newly acquainted people to a more interesting and a bit more personal talk; you did try to talk indifferently but with transparency as though you have known her for a long time already and you of all people, i was surprised myself, believed this to be a fact. It made a lot of sense, it occured to you (as always) to try and make her laugh in the process of such engagement; but at the same time cautiously trying not to sound or look too interested and stunned and blown away by her and all of her you know what i mean, and to every little thing that she's saying; you did this by looking at the blackboard intently, which is of course absolutely absurd, or by listening to somebody else's conversation, or simply by fixing your shoe laces, and you know you'd do that whethere you had a shoe on or not- your selfish intention basically is to make her question why is this so and makes her doubt her own amiability and company, 'what's wrong with me?' thus challenging her to exert a bit more of her own unsolicited efforts to make you want to talk to her even more; but then that is out of the question because of course you want to talk to her. cabron

Then it goes well or so you thought to yourself, and the next thing you know is you hear her laughing with you; and at you; and at times at herself too; despite the fact that you're both well aware that you were laughing at something else, or somebody else, like that girl who came in the room walking with too much confidence in herself half an hour before the end of the period- she's oblivious of all these shemes or so you thought, and you start to think if she has one up her sleeve herself- but you shove of the thought because the last thing that you want to do is to assume- and so you resort to the more essential task at hand; thinking of the next interesting thing to say that would somehow make her want to talk to you the more; but that too you're not very good at so you decided to go back to telling her the most absurd and dumb thing and utter and comment on the most boneheaded topic level- it didn't matter coz it made her laugh and you become relatively satisfied.

Then you begin to wonder who she really is or where she's from and all the irrelevant details one would long for in times like this, then you begin to fabricate a mental picture of the story of her life and the person that you would want her to be the next time you meet, so that the next time would somehow be perfect.

But the next time and all the days that followed went by so fast that you found yourself groping in the dark and juggling everything around her and you become wary and anxious about the progress of this new acquaintance of yours and so you begin to think- what if? and the more distinquished the what if's become the more blurred the future gets... and so if you're blind and you can't see and you are crippled and you can't walk; and you're in a car and there's a dead end right in front of you, you begin to contemplate wouldn't it only be logical to make a u-turn?