forgive me but...

i just got out from class. again. what am i supposed to do? im. bored. isn't boredom supposed to be a once in a while event rather than a ritual? god help me everytime i go to ms. idunnowhoyouare's class. filipino. god help me everytime i feel irritated and helpless as if i'm pierced in the head with 6 inch nails. god help me everytime boredom and awe coupled with "what the hell am i doing here?" sensations come crashing over my consciousness. i can't help it to push my mind to disorient. if i can't beat them, id join them. but how? what is it with me after this class that i feel like a dry leaf spat on dirt. how would you feel? you're 22 and d last filipino sbject you've taken was 5 years ago? and u have no passion for infallible punctuality and empty recitations? with your giddy but immaculately industrious 16 year old classmates seeping out the very energy from you coz the air you breathe inside the room seems to be also inflicted with colonial way of education? i see them and listen to them. what am i doing here with my cute little sisters in a class where images of your highschool adviser seem to haunt you in every corner of the room? taunting. bwahahahahaha i'm the last person to complain bout this. i have no right. i wanted this. i'm just writing, though. teacher asks a question. when the answer is obvious. students are expected to yell the answer in unison. teacher asks naughty bibo a question. no one expects him to know the answer. he din't teacher asks a question she only knows the answer. zzzzz WTF teacher asks a question. everyone raises their hands! the answer was on the board i feel like i'm in a concert. better yet, in a "christian" service. i can't blame myself and i feel sorry. for myself that i feel this way. sorry for me that i am stuck in college and for them that they're stuck in high school. this is how i feel is true. no blames on me. i'm only writing. i'm 22 and the truth is i have a mind and heart of a child. childish in short. but they're babies. if i can't beat them. id join them. i want to. but how?